This article is a great reference and has been very helpful to me in my struggle to decide whether the situation in my former church could/should be characterized as spiritual abuse. Most of my references to aspects of spiritual abuse can be found in this article. In this article, spiritual abuse is defined as, "when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another, without regard to what will result in the other person’s state of living, emotions or spiritual well-being.”
Signs of an abusive system include the following:
- Power-posturing: when a leader surrounds himself with others who are "yes" men instead of those who challenge him and hold him accountable. He demands respect based on his position as a leader - rather than his character. He discounts anyone who disagrees with him as not being as spiritual and believes that attempts to set up accountability within the church (i.e. - a board of deacons or leadership committee) are a bad idea because people are just out for the power.
- Distorted loyalty: There is much talk of unity and loyalty - but it is not loyalty to Christ, but rather loyalty to the given organization, or church vision, or leader.
- People being used: People are valued for what they offer to the church. For example, the church leaders refuse to openly hire women in a leadership position (i.e. - children's director or worship minister), but have no problem using the women in a non-paid volunteer capacity until a man comes along that they can officially hire - that is, of course, if the women fulfill the selective service criteria set by the leadership.
- Selective service: The church is overly concerned about portraying excellence and about outside perception. People in positions of service are chastised if they say or do anything the leader deems inappropriate - especially those in highly visible positions of service. Biblical character is not taken into account - at least not as highly as outside perception. People are stalked on social media to make sure that they aren't saying/doing anything that can be deemed inappropriate, however, scripture does not set the definition of "inappropriate" - the leaders do. Those who do not conform to the leaderships' ideals are threatened with loss of their service positions or sometimes, backhandedly replaced by those the leadership deems more in line with their vision.
- Centrality of the pastor: The pastor is seen as central to the work that God is doing in the church. There is almost a sense of pastor worship and the pastor himself will discount the contributions of others and say things like, "if you had been to seminary, you would know..." or "I have a special calling and am held to a higher standard."
- Elitist attitude: The organization believes it is the best in the area. It could be any number of things ranging from, "We are the only church preaching the truth," to "We are the church with the most members," to "We are the church baptizing the most people," to "We are the church with the most ministries." Members are discouraged from being involved with other churches and told that if you're "on the team, you need to be ON the team."
- Inability to discuss concerns: Straight from the article, "People with valid concerns who break the 'no questioning' rule become part of the problem. When a member is hurt by the pastor or a leader 'the victim is made to feel at fault for questioning or pointing out the problem.'" Concerns are stifled in order to keep 'unity at all costs.'"
- Labeling people as divisive: Anyone who raises valid concerns is discredited and then dismissed. The goal is to keep unity within the organization by crushing dissent - not to promote unity within the body of believers by reconciling differences.
These markers were all present in the church in which I served previously and though they individually didn't seem like a huge deal, when considered together, they describe an atmosphere ripe for spiritual abuse.
So what can be done when there is a situation of spiritual abuse within a church? God commands us to confront sin and work toward reconciliation. How is that accomplished? By being a Peacemaker. A peacemaker is not one who avoids conflict for the sake of peace, but one who seeks to resolve conflict for the betterment of the church.
So what can be done when there is a situation of spiritual abuse within a church? God commands us to confront sin and work toward reconciliation. How is that accomplished? By being a Peacemaker. A peacemaker is not one who avoids conflict for the sake of peace, but one who seeks to resolve conflict for the betterment of the church.
How to be a Peacemaker in a situation of spiritual abuse:
1. Listen, Listen, Listen.
When someone in a church has been hurt, one of the greatest things they need is for someone to listen to what they went through without minimizing it. Being hurt by a church presents a very unique situation because, for many, the church is the place they go to heal from the hurts of the world. When church ceases to become a safe haven for healing and instead becomes the cause of the hurt, it is a very deep wound that makes one feel like there is no where else to turn. In addition, if the abuse was perpetrated by one of the pastors, the victim experiences a terrible void caused by losing trust in a person that was once a spiritual leader. It is important as a Peacemaker to resist making judgements until/unless you know what happened. You can be assured that most people who finally work up the courage to categorize an experience as "spiritual abuse" have already asked themselves if they are making a big deal out of nothing, if they did something to deserve the abuse, if there was any biblical basis for how they were treated, and if they were being divisive by attempting to confront the abuse. Most people who are victims of spiritual abuse are torn between wanting to move on and forget about the situation and wanting to fight for their loved ones that they fear may be abused. They are tired of their righteous anger at being abused being dismissed as bitterness. They are tired of people demanding forgiveness of them while those same people deny that the victims ever experienced anything that should require forgiveness (i.e. - it's a difference of opinion, not abuse....you were simply told the truth and the truth hurts). They are tired of being told they are perpetrating bitterness, unforgiveness, and abuse when they attempt to share their stories in order to encourage others who are struggling through similar situations.
2. Realize that your experiences may not be typical.
There is a strong tendency in a church to make assumptions about those who claim to have experienced spiritual abuse. It is easier to think that they are making it up or making a big deal out of nothing. Those who have not experienced abuse often have a difficult time believing that it could be happening to others right beside them and there be no indication. People like to think themselves good judges of character and admitting that a leader that you trust is abusing another person in the church is very difficult because it means admitting your trust in that person was misguided. Many people are happy in their service and don't want to do anything that might necessitate a change. They don't want to cause an issue. They don't want to lose respect for their leaders. In addition, many church-goers are willing to overlook many abusive signs in order to be a part of something significant. Cries of "it's not about us, it's about Jesus" abound in response to the hurting. The article on spiritual abuse also describes this attitude further and, while I recommend reading the entire article, here is a snapshot:
There is a strong tendency in a church to make assumptions about those who claim to have experienced spiritual abuse. It is easier to think that they are making it up or making a big deal out of nothing. Those who have not experienced abuse often have a difficult time believing that it could be happening to others right beside them and there be no indication. People like to think themselves good judges of character and admitting that a leader that you trust is abusing another person in the church is very difficult because it means admitting your trust in that person was misguided. Many people are happy in their service and don't want to do anything that might necessitate a change. They don't want to cause an issue. They don't want to lose respect for their leaders. In addition, many church-goers are willing to overlook many abusive signs in order to be a part of something significant. Cries of "it's not about us, it's about Jesus" abound in response to the hurting. The article on spiritual abuse also describes this attitude further and, while I recommend reading the entire article, here is a snapshot:
Certain types of people are drawn into abusive relationships. “The victims have often been unwittingly groomed for such a relationship. That is to say, something in the backgrounds of these people predisposes them to submit to a manipulative, controlling style of leadership.”[48] It may be that those who fall victim to narcissistic leaders are actually unhealthy themselves—they might be narcissistic followers.
Narcissistic followers are trying to get their importance from narcissistic leaders. Leaders aren’t the only ones who want their lives to count. People (especially young people)[49] are drawn to a cause. They want to feel like they are on an important mission for God. “If a leader successfully convinces his followers that he is the unique instrument of God, that makes them unique by virtue of their support of him.”[50] In this way, narcissist followers derive a sense of self-worth from their involvement. Their lives have purpose because they are “on mission” with the leader.
If and when a leader shows signs of abuse, people who derive their sense of worth from the mission may willingly overlook the red flags. They may rationalize blatant inconsistencies in conduct and even excuse sins directly committed against them by the leader.[51] They may choose to remain and be compliant victims over speaking up and being part of nothing important at all.[52]Because of all the issues involved with acknowledging and confronting abuse within the church, it is understandable if you do not feel that you are at the place where you can offer support to and encourage those who have been victims of spiritual abuse. However, even if you cannot offer help, it is important to keep from adding to the hurt by gossiping, by minimizing the hurt of the abused by categorizing his concerns as "gossip" or "he said, she said," by giving ear to the abusers and making biased judgments, or by accusing the victims of lying or making a big deal out of nothing.
3. Decide if you think the person was a victim of spiritual abuse or if the hurt was due to a misunderstanding, difference of opinions, or biblical correction offered by leadership.
After listening to the victim's account of church hurt, you need to decide if you feel that the situation actually warrants a charge of abuse. Some hurt will be caused by misunderstandings, differences in opinion, biblical correction from leaders, and the like and would probably not warrant a charge of abuse. Some hurt will be caused by leaders who seek to control, deride and manipulate others and would warrant a charge of abuse. It can even be a mixture of the two. So, you have a choice to make:
If you do not feel that the person was a victim of spiritual abuse, encourage both parties toward reconciliation by helping to resolve the conflict.
If you do feel that the person was a victim of spiritual abuse, encourage both parties toward reconciliation by helping to resolve the conflict.
Do you see what I did there? Whether you feel the hurt is warranted or not, the actions of a Peacemaker are always the same - help both parties toward reconciliation. The difference comes in the confrontation. After hearing the story of the abused, if you can ascertain that the hurt was caused by difference of opinions or biblical correction, the Bible should then be used to lovingly address any issues that might be standing in the way of reconciliation on the part of the person who is hurting. After hearing the story of the abused, if you agree that the experience constituted abuse, there is still a responsibility of helping both parties toward reconciliation. However, the biblical confrontation should then be geared toward the abusers. There is still a mandate of correcting one another in love. (Galatians 6:1) It is then time to follow the guidelines laid out in Matthew 18 for confronting sin within the church.
4. Realize that the church is the people.
When someone comes to you and tells you that they have experienced spiritual abuse at the hands of someone in the church and you accuse them of "attacking the church," I fear there is a great confusion about what actually constitutes the church and what actually constitutes attacking.
Firstly, the church is the body of Christ - the ENTIRE body of Christ - not just the ones who are worshipping with you in your building. The church is every member of Christ's body - the abusers, the victims, those fighting for the victims, those defending the abusers, and those who have no idea what is going on around them. Secondly, an attack is "an aggressive or violent action against a person" - such as an abusive action toward a member of Christ's body. It is not an attack on the church to call out those who are actually attacking church members. It is not unloving to call out church members who are acting unlovingly. It is not abuse to call out an abuser.
This may seem an inflammatory statement, but please consider it in its entirety:
Firstly, the church is the body of Christ - the ENTIRE body of Christ - not just the ones who are worshipping with you in your building. The church is every member of Christ's body - the abusers, the victims, those fighting for the victims, those defending the abusers, and those who have no idea what is going on around them. Secondly, an attack is "an aggressive or violent action against a person" - such as an abusive action toward a member of Christ's body. It is not an attack on the church to call out those who are actually attacking church members. It is not unloving to call out church members who are acting unlovingly. It is not abuse to call out an abuser.
If you say, "I love my church," and you allow members of the body of Christ to be manipulated and abused by other members, you don't love the church. You love a social club - and organization - an institution. That is not the church. The church is the people that you are refusing to stand up for - the ones you are turning a blind eye toward in order to protect the institution in which you serve.
Realize that the church is universal and eternal. It is not the building in which you worship. It is those who are hurting and those who have done the hurting. We are all the church.
5. Realize that confronting sin is biblical.
Many people are wary of confronting sin in the church - even when it is blatant. It doesn't take a super-spiritual person to confront abuse within a church. All it takes is a person with a love for the church (God's people) and a biblical argument against the abuse. I fear that many people are unwilling to call out sin within the church for fear of being labeled as judgmental and divisive and also out of fear that their own sins may be called to light by those they are confronting. This article gives a detailed description of the reasons many in the church shy away from confronting sin and also the importance of confronting sin and what biblical confrontation consists of. It is important for God's people to confront injustice and abuse in the church - even if it is not affecting them personally.
There seems to be the view among some churches that if people are being saved and are growing in their relationships with God, it is not necessary (and perhaps even detrimental) to confront sin within the church. I have heard the argument that if the sin is confronted and exposed, that the church (meaning that local church building) could be destroyed and then many people could go to hell because of their disappointment with the church. I believe that this stems from the desire to be a part of something significant that was mentioned before. The view is that if the church is growing, it is evidence of God's blessing and therefore nothing major could possibly be wrong with the church. But that is not what God says. He is concerned with the individual hearts of His people - not with the outward appearance of growth in the church. (Matthew 23:27) He commands us to confront sin within the church - whether it is the great megachurch who is baptizing 50 people per week or the tiny country church that has only 3 families in attendance. Even if our church is growing by leaps and bounds, our goal as Christians is to be ever mindful of the souls of our brethren. We are to be constantly building each other up so that none of us will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3). If we are allowing God's people to be abused in order to reach a goal – even if that goal is a worthy goal (i.e. - to bring souls to Christ) - then we are not taking care of the souls that God has already entrusted to us - we are not loving the church. The aforementioned people who are touting "it's not about us, it's about Jesus" are actually saying "it doesn't matter how many people are abused as long as people are being saved." If non-victims say, "It's not about us, it's about Jesus," and yet refuse to stand up for those followers of Christ who are threatened because they fear confrontation or fear what would happen if the truth were discovered, it is not about Jesus. If non-victims give ear to those in power simply because they are in power and refuse to hear the pleas of the outcasts for justice, it is not about Jesus. Jesus is the champion of the hopeless and the destitute. If non-victims refuse to even listen to those who have been attacked because they don't want anything to change their minds about the leaders of the church, it's not about Jesus. Jesus has always been about the hearts of His people - not a vision or an organization. If you disregard the hearts of His people, it's about you and your devotion to an organization - not devotion to Christ or His church.
In conclusion, as I stated in my last post, forgiveness is a journey. It can be a long and difficult one, but if we, as Christians, are really concerned with helping victims of abuse on the path to forgiveness, we will commit to becoming Peacemakers and encouraging reconciliation. That starts with validation. It is important to realize that a non-victim cannot just demand forgiveness of a victim - especially when the non-victim refuses to validate the hurt of the victim in the first place. But even committing to forgiveness doesn't mean that the situation will never be brought up again. For me, my experience with spiritual abuse and the subsequent journey to forgiveness is a situation that has shaped my views of God, of social justice, and of the church more than any other event in my life. It has impacted me deeply on every front - some good and some bad - and has shaped my testimony of who I am in Christ today. And therefore, it will always be a part of my journey and it will be spoken of whenever I share my testimony.
Many people are wary of confronting sin in the church - even when it is blatant. It doesn't take a super-spiritual person to confront abuse within a church. All it takes is a person with a love for the church (God's people) and a biblical argument against the abuse. I fear that many people are unwilling to call out sin within the church for fear of being labeled as judgmental and divisive and also out of fear that their own sins may be called to light by those they are confronting. This article gives a detailed description of the reasons many in the church shy away from confronting sin and also the importance of confronting sin and what biblical confrontation consists of. It is important for God's people to confront injustice and abuse in the church - even if it is not affecting them personally.
There seems to be the view among some churches that if people are being saved and are growing in their relationships with God, it is not necessary (and perhaps even detrimental) to confront sin within the church. I have heard the argument that if the sin is confronted and exposed, that the church (meaning that local church building) could be destroyed and then many people could go to hell because of their disappointment with the church. I believe that this stems from the desire to be a part of something significant that was mentioned before. The view is that if the church is growing, it is evidence of God's blessing and therefore nothing major could possibly be wrong with the church. But that is not what God says. He is concerned with the individual hearts of His people - not with the outward appearance of growth in the church. (Matthew 23:27) He commands us to confront sin within the church - whether it is the great megachurch who is baptizing 50 people per week or the tiny country church that has only 3 families in attendance. Even if our church is growing by leaps and bounds, our goal as Christians is to be ever mindful of the souls of our brethren. We are to be constantly building each other up so that none of us will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3). If we are allowing God's people to be abused in order to reach a goal – even if that goal is a worthy goal (i.e. - to bring souls to Christ) - then we are not taking care of the souls that God has already entrusted to us - we are not loving the church. The aforementioned people who are touting "it's not about us, it's about Jesus" are actually saying "it doesn't matter how many people are abused as long as people are being saved." If non-victims say, "It's not about us, it's about Jesus," and yet refuse to stand up for those followers of Christ who are threatened because they fear confrontation or fear what would happen if the truth were discovered, it is not about Jesus. If non-victims give ear to those in power simply because they are in power and refuse to hear the pleas of the outcasts for justice, it is not about Jesus. Jesus is the champion of the hopeless and the destitute. If non-victims refuse to even listen to those who have been attacked because they don't want anything to change their minds about the leaders of the church, it's not about Jesus. Jesus has always been about the hearts of His people - not a vision or an organization. If you disregard the hearts of His people, it's about you and your devotion to an organization - not devotion to Christ or His church.
In conclusion, as I stated in my last post, forgiveness is a journey. It can be a long and difficult one, but if we, as Christians, are really concerned with helping victims of abuse on the path to forgiveness, we will commit to becoming Peacemakers and encouraging reconciliation. That starts with validation. It is important to realize that a non-victim cannot just demand forgiveness of a victim - especially when the non-victim refuses to validate the hurt of the victim in the first place. But even committing to forgiveness doesn't mean that the situation will never be brought up again. For me, my experience with spiritual abuse and the subsequent journey to forgiveness is a situation that has shaped my views of God, of social justice, and of the church more than any other event in my life. It has impacted me deeply on every front - some good and some bad - and has shaped my testimony of who I am in Christ today. And therefore, it will always be a part of my journey and it will be spoken of whenever I share my testimony.
