As autumn approaches and It comes upon two years since we made a decision to leave our former church, I can't help but look back at the incidents that have been such a source of inner turmoil and conflict for me. Sometimes it seems hard to redeem the whole situation in my mind - to wade through the filth of it all and see the face of God. The past two years have been a time of soul-shattering heartache but also soul-soothing growth, a time grieving for the past while longing for the future, a time of holding on to who I am in God - and who God is in me - and letting go of who I was and the hardness of heart that results from the pain of relationships lost and partnerships destroyed. And I've realized that letting go is a beautiful thing - one that allows us to make room for new growth.
I am reminded of a quote I recently read on one of Ann Voskamp's posts: "If you're at peace in Christ, you fight injustice."
I also keep thinking on these wise words that I heard in a sermon recently. "The difference between a peacemaker and a people pleaser, is that a peacemaker seeks to resolve conflict while a people pleaser avoids conflict." I began a journey two years ago seeking peace in the midst of a conflict. Understand that I strongly dislike conflict of any sort and confrontation is often difficult for me. However, my heart for justice and my passion for the broken were ultimately stronger than my dislike of confrontation and that led me to call out the injustice I saw and set me on a hard path to truth. Over the past two years, I've learned that truth is nothing to fear. Even hard truth. Even confrontational truth.
So here's the truth:
The truth is that much abuse has been perpetrated by religious people in the name of God. People who are living in fear can do horrendous things to each other out of self-preservation - even Christians. Fear causes us to not be able to love others like God would have us to love them because fear is the antithesis of love. Perfect love casts out fear.
The truth is that God calls us to stand against injustice and abuse - in the world and within the church. Throughout this situation, I felt that God called me to fight against the injustice that was being perpetrated against His people and I sought out mature Christians for advice and sought God's guidance on how to proceed.
The truth is that I stood dumbfounded while men (and some women) of God rallied around the abusers and defended them. Because of fear.
The truth is that I defended them myself and repeatedly attempted to excuse their actions by telling myself (and others), "I feel sorry for them. They are making these decisions out of fear because they're dealing with a difficult situation in their lives right now. Once they see how their actions are affecting everyone - once they are confronted with scripture, they will change."
The truth is that I dove into scripture and clung to God with all that I had because I wanted to make sure that my heart and motives were pure every step of the way and I had peace that I was doing what God wanted and expected Him to do a radical work in the hearts and minds of His people.
The truth is that I was naive: fear and self-preservation are extremely strong motivators and are very resistant to change. My pity for the abusers turned to anger and then to depression when the injustice continued and the abusers started to attack me as well. I forgot that there is no one who is capable of being objective and indifferent - that each person's perspective is influenced by their own fears and experiences. I began to loose sight of my fight against the injustice perpetrated against others and began to wallow in self-pity at the injustice I felt was perpetrated upon me. Let me tell you: it's a long, hard climb to get out of that pit. It's a journey.
The truth is that forgiveness is not one single decision - it's a journey as well. And while the path of forgiveness and mercy is sometimes a hard path to walk, it's much more difficult to walk a path of anger and bitterness.
"...because Christ is The Truth — and where there isn’t Truth, there isn’t Christ. Why ever hide or cover-up the Truth? No one need ever fear telling the Truth about anything — unless we fear Christ isn’t capable of redeeming everything." (Ann Voskamp)
The ultimate truth...is Christ. In conflict, each person's individual perspective (skewed by insecurities, fears, and past life experience) allows him to create his own truth in his own mind - but only Christ holds the real truth. Christ has redeemed my life and He can and will redeem this situation. These are the truths that I am clinging to:
The truth is that we, as Christians, will never be effective in standing up to injustice in the world when we are refuse to confront injustice in our own churches. We owe it to ourselves to stand up to injustice - both inside and outside of the church. "Because People of the Church are to be those who stand up so safe places open up, who lead by always going lower, who expose and confront abuse everywhere they find it, so the hope of the Gospel can be of use anywhere it goes. Because People of the Cross are to be witnesses for the suffering, and responders to the victims, and testifiers of Truth, no matter the cost, no matter the risk..." (Ann Voskamp)
The truth is that Forgiveness means recognizing the hurt that was done, deciding what you feel the offenders owe you, and then forgiving that debt. It doesn't mean cultivating a relationship or acting as if nothing has happened, but it means saying, "You owe me nothing" - and daily living as if you are owed nothing. To be honest, some days, it's more of a struggle than others. Some days I feel like the Israelites looking back toward Egypt and longing to go back - back where everything was comfortable and familiar - despite the oppression there - despite the promised land ahead.
The truth is that every day, it's easier to let go of anger and easier to choose mercy. What began as scars from wounds to heart and soul is slowly morphing into character. Bitterness and anger will poison your mind and heart and even seep into your most treasured relationships. Therefore, my commitment to those who questioned my motives and attacked my character (and those who continue to do so), is to daily forgive that debt in my mind and heart. You owe me nothing. However, I hope you understand that I continue to fight for justice not because of what I feel you owe, but because of what I feel I owe. I owe it to those who are broken to help them heal. I owe it to those who are unjustly accused to crave and seek out justice for them. I owe it to those who have been lied to and lied about to seek the truth. I owe it to those who are wounded to help bind those wounds with the love of Christ. Christ was broken for us in order to heal our brokenness. You don't owe me anything, but I owe them everything. I owe them the good news of Christ's sacrifice lived out in the lives of His followers. And that is everything.
The truth is that I owe it to myself, my family, and my God to not only seek justice, but to love mercy in the face of injustice, and to always, always walk humbly with my God. (Micah 6:8)
